I’m watching two people close to me go through the whole ‘dating thing’ at the moment. Although I think I will always feel slightly deprived that I missed Tinder, I don’t envy them.
Every time I hear stories of their latest dating (mis)adventures, I feel lucky to have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t happen without some trial and error though. There have been some heart-breaks and disasters along the way.
Like the weekend I spent in fetal position at my parents house after a particularly disastrous break up. Or the ‘Romantic Weekend Away’ I had that began with him throwing up in the seat pocket of the plane and ended with us not talking. Yes, 3 weeks is too soon to visit a friend’s island property with someone you just met online, but try telling that to my 24 year old self.
I firmly believe though that what allowed me to find the incredible man I now spend my days with was me continuing to show up for myself and following the advice below.
These secrets are also what supports me to continued deepening and intimacy in my relationship. And for me, that’s one of the biggest secrets, to continue deepening, to continue growing.
1. Start a passionate love affair with yourself: Fall in love with yourself first beauty, fall deeply in love. You, as much as anyone else in the world, deserves your love. And you have so much of it to give. The relationship you have with yourself will be the most enduring, profound and important relationship you’ll ever have with anyone and it will influence every other relationship you create.
When we start by falling in love with who we are, we don’t ‘need’ someone else. We don’t need them to make us feel better about ourselves, we don’t need them to ‘complete’ us, we show up whole and knowing our worth. And that changes everything.
From there we get to attract a relationship that is truly loving, equal and strong. Show yourself love in every way that you can. Be kind to yourself, spoil yourself, buy yourself flowers, take yourself out.
2. Be willing to be vulnerable: Oh darling, I know you’re afraid of being hurt again, I know you’re afraid of people seeing how much you hurt, how vulnerable you really feel, but that’s the doorway in. This is the biggest block I see to people finding the love they seek.
Allow your vulnerability to be seen. It’s vulnerability that we fall in love with. It’s only with vulnerability that we can have true intimacy. You don’t need to put on a brave face. You don’t need to pretend you have it all together, none of us do. Put down your guard. It’s scary as hell (and please don’t put yourself in danger) but covering up how you really feel only creates separation between you and everything on the outside.
Don’t wait for ‘the right one’ to be vulnerable, it won’t happen then either. Practice everyday, with yourself, with your friends, with those close to you.
3. Clear out old patterns: Have you noticed a pattern in some of your relationships? Many patterns we form in relationships go back to our childhood. We continue to recreate feelings and situations we had in our early relationships. Perhaps it’s a feeling not really loved, fear of abandonment, lack of trust.
We can carry emotion from past relationships, whether they be with a lover or our parents, into a current relationship and we respond not to what is actually happening now, but through a filter of what has been painful or unresolved in our past.
We’re never going to ‘clear’ everything, but really looking at what you’re carrying with you around being close to others, will pave the way for a powerful relationship to come into your life and improve any relationship you have going forward. Talking through it with a therapist is amazingly helpful to resolve some of these patterns, beauty.
4. Refuse to compromise: I don’t mean that you wait for Mr or Mrs Perfect. Quite frankly, they don’t exist. But you should never need to give up things that are important to you or things that you value in a relationship just to make it work. Don’t settle for something that you know deep down isn’t right. Don’t stay with someone just because you’re scared you won’t find someone better for you.
When we meet the right person, they come with their flaws and differences, but we don’t have to give up the things that we know we need. If we do that, we’re selling ourselves short and telling the Universe ‘this is all I deserve’.
You deserve an incredible, loving and soulful relationship beauty. You deserve to be fully met. Don’t ever forget that.
5. Be the invitation + share your radiance: In Tantra, feminine energy provides an invitation. We invite connection and deep intimacy by opening and sharing our radiance. Our radiance comes from accepting all of who we are, settling deep into our bodies and opening our hearts. We allow the energy of our sensuality and love to move through us. Your radiance is a gift beauty, it nourishes those around you. It calls them in.
Connect to your feminine energy, embody your sensual essence, it’s right there waiting for you. Let it shine from within you, and you will find your Harry.