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Why you shouldn’t expect to have sex on a date night

OUR VERY FIRST SEX ADVICE POST TO HELP TAKE THE EXPECTATIONS & PRESSURE OFF DATE NIGHT

by contributor & leading sexologist, Isiah McKimmie


Candle lit dinner, a romantic stroll in the park, leg rubbing under the table, the energy is electric… But by the time you get home, it’s after 10pm, you’re exhausted and you have a full stomach having over indulged on the chocolate dessert and sav blanc. Date night ends with finding your partner is dead asleep on the couch after a quick bathroom stop.

At least that’s what many of us experience after “date night”.

But don’t beat yourself up, this is actually quite a common occurance says Isiah, and believe it or not she sees couple discuss this on a regular basis.

Date night has become increasingly rare for couples as they struggle with the stresses of life, work, children, the list goes on. It’s becoming extremely hard for couples to squeeze in that quick date night and as much as both parties might want to, coming home to some earth shattering love making is just too much. Isiah’s suggestion is that we stop expecting to do the deed on date night.

“I see a lot of couples who end up disappointed and frustrated that a fun, enjoyable date night didn’t end in romance in the bedroom too. Both partners can put pressure on themselves to perform as a result of expectations about what ‘should’ happen on date night. It can lead to conflict or a lot of tension at the end of what should have been a beautiful night.”

What I suggest to my clients is that you organise a weekly ‘Romance Date’. A weekly romance date can range from a dinner to a movie, even going on a hike together. Basically it just needs to be something the couple can enjoy together and have some one on one alone time, no phones, work or kids to interrupt. It’s really important in our busy lifestyles that we take time out to connect with each other. I see a lot of couples over time losing their connection they once had which can start problems and relationship breakdowns.

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“Simply keeping a romance date to just quality time together with no sex expected from one another also takes the pressure off and the couple really enjoy each other’s company without any expectations.”
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I suggest that couples then schedule a ‘Bedroom Date’ outside of date night. This is basically an afternoon/ evening where you and your partner may go to bed a little earlier or even have some alone time in the afternoon to spend time being physically intimate. This date is completely separate to the date night, which can work a lot better for both parties. Then there aren’t any let downs after enjoying that rather large pizza to have sex and you can work around when it suits both of you best. You can relax and take your time instead of wanting to finish quickly so you can finally get to sleep – which I know happens for a lot of us.

Isiah’s top tips for scheduling bedroom dates:

1. Schedule time for you to be physically intimate on a regular basis. Although scheduling intimacy doesn’t sound sexy, the truth is it often doesn’t happen at all if we don’t make time for it.

2. Choose times that suit both of you and when you know you won’t be interrupted. For example after the kids are asleep, go to bed early yourselves. Or go back to bed one afternoon when you don’t have the kids.

3. Set the mood. Start with something that sets the mood and connects you such as having a shower together or swapping a massage. You can even light some candles or play some music to make it a little special.

4. Don’t put pressure on yourselves for what should happen in your bedroom date. Bedroom dates are about being physically connected and increasing the chance that you’ll have sex. It isn’t a case of ‘we need to have sex now’.

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When you’re having regular bedroom dates, it takes the pressure off at other times – and you’ll probably find that your libido even increases as a result.
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